Richmond Seafood Tavern
14 Elizabeth St. Richmond VIC
03 9419 8724

I know this may upset the increasingly gentrified suburb of Richmond,  which is becoming as trendy and Yuppie-filled as Albert Park, but memories of darker times die hard.

After all, this was the land of the murderous Pettingill family and the crazed ‘Mr. Death’ Dennis Allen. And many lanes were shooting alleys in more ways than one.

That’s probably why I didn’t take the big black Cadillac when heading to Richmond for dinner at the Richmond Tavern – a former bloodhouse now transmogrified into reputedly one of the best seafood restaurants in Melbourne. (It still has the vein-hiding funny lighting in the toilets though to thwart junkies).

We didn’t get mugged on our way to the hotel. But I left with the uneasy feeling that I’d been mugged inside.

It started well. The advance word was magnificent: ‘best seafood in Melbourne… like John Ribera’s at the Jika Jika Hotel… better than his short-lived multi-million dollar venture on the Peninsular’. And it was almost impossible to get in at Richmond for one of two Saturday night sessions.

As it turned out Ribera has an involvement in the Richmond project. He told us which fish he’d bought that morning at the markets. Then suggested some starters. A tasting plate – as they call it elsewhere.

It started with a ravioli dumpling each of crab which was overpowered by onions and mushrooms. Then a couple of chilli prawns, two BBQ prawns, two small bug tails, two Hervey Bay scallops and some calamari.

We were a tad disappointed because they seemed to be trying too hard to dress up simple seafood. The BBQ prawns had a strong barbecue jam sauce on them and the bugs were battered with a honey glaze –like something out of a suburban Chinese restaurant.

Things improved. I had a generous bowl of mussels steamed in their own briny juice and white wine. As good as the Belgian Beer Café. And great value at $15. Mrs. Nosebag spotted a bowl of genuine chunky seafood chowder on the blackboard menu for $12.

She still hankered for some clean, simple seafood and ordered six boiled prawns. They were plump, chilled, de-veined with a cocktail sauce. The only thing not basic was the price. Twenty-seven bucks! That’s more than four dollars a prawn.

It should have been a warning. When I got the bill I saw the suggested starters had been costed individually. Two chilli prawns $11. That’s $5.50 each. Two BBQ prawns $11. The ravioli dumplings were $6 each. The bug tails $11 for two. The calamari $15. The two scallops $3.50 each. That meant our Tasting Plate cost $67.

I’m not mean but I was flabbergasted. I’ve eaten better shared platters at top shelf places like Taxi, JJ’s, Number 8, The Brasserie, Noel Perry’s Wine Bar at Crown and Riva. Never has it cost even thirty dollars for two.

And wouldn’t it be fair for somebody who suggests a starting plate to tell you what it is going to cost –seeing that they’re the one who is putting it together?

It would be like asking the wine waiter for a suggestion and he doesn’t tell you that this ‘really drinkable’ drop is $250 a bottle.

Halfway through dinner I went to the assistance of a man at a nearby table who turned grey, fell unconscious and toppled off his chair.

When the paramedics arrived and started giving him oxygen I had a flash on what maybe brought on the attack. Maybe he’d just got his bill.

March 6, 2007